Passion Versus Love, Or Lust Versus Love
By ALICE von HILDEBRAND
“Even though you are still quite young, you must know that one of the classical sources of human suffering, if not tragedy, is related to love, or to what people believe to be such” (C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain).
One of the most poignant expressions of this tragedy is to be found in Goethe’s masterpiece: Faust. A young and innocent girl is courted by a man of impressive knowledge, who convinces her that he loves her, cajoles her, showers her with gifts, and…robs her of her virginity. Pregnant, she is abandoned by her lover, murders her newborn child, and dies.
There may not be very many flashy Dr. Fausts, but there are certainly very many Gretchens who have been seduced by men who persuaded their victims that they loved them to distraction. It is an old story, but it is always new, because it keeps repeating itself, and will continue to do so to the very end of time.
Deep down, we all have an ardent longing to be loved, to know that there is someone in the huge, cold world who rejoices over the fact that we were born; this experience seems to justify our human existence. It is psychologically understandable that someone who has never been loved (not knowing that God loves him) starts hating himself, and turns to bitterness and despair.
One of the catastrophic mistakes of Freud’s psychoanalysis is that he claims sex to be the fundamental craving of human beings. In his case, it seems to stem from his materialistic, atheistic outlook on life.
Human beings were made out of love, and are made for love. Sex is meant to be a privileged expression of love in the intimacy of marriage; but it is not love itself; there is — alas — plenty of sex without love, and there is also love without sex. A person who knows herself to be deeply loved can lead an extremely happy and fulfilled life without any sex at all (this is the case of innumerable saints who have consecrated their virginity to God); but a life which consists of endless sexual experiences — without authentic love — will inevitably lead to self-disgust and despair. (I am thinking of the tragic figure of a Marilyn Monroe, used and abused throughout her life.)
Gretchen’s tragedy in Goethe’s Faust was that she sincerely believed the hero loved her, and because of this conviction, she responded to Faust’s advances. She discovered too late that she had been played with.
The gist of my thought — as you certainly suspect — is that the seducer and the true lover don the very same garments: kindness, sweetness, caresses, gifts, constant concern about the “beloved”; delicate attentions, small gestures that make one happy. How masterfully Kierkegaard sketched the psychology and the technique used by a seducer, in his youthful book, Either Or (written under the pseudonym of Victor Eremita).
For the seducer, to conquer a girl and bring her to a fall, is as enjoyable as successful gambling, winning a chess game, or shooting prey, and every means is deemed legitimate in order to attain this “feat.” The more virtuous and innocent the girl is, the greater the sense of achievement and conquest, the more “applause” one can claim when one achieves success.
No doubt, concupiscence plans a role in such endeavors, but pride (the will to conquer) is just as crucial a factor (for pride and concupiscence are excellent partners). There are men who pride themselves on being irresistible to women; they are convinced that they can conquer any girl; the thought that they could be turned down is unbearable to their male pride. But, interestingly enough, such men, with unfailing instinct, usually keep clear of the girls whose virtue protects them against the wiles of seduction.
Gretchen is Faust’s victim, and all our sympathy goes to her. Her words: “Es war doch so gut; es war doch so schoen” (it was so good; it was so beautiful) poignantly express her subjective feeling when she responded to Faust’s advances. She sincerely thought she was loved; she found out that she was being used as a mere means, and then discarded as a worthless object.
How is a young, inexperienced teenager, longing for the great experience of love, to distinguish between the enchanting (and treacherous) words of a fake lover, and the sincere and pure expressions of love of a true one?
If ever two cases which are radically at antipodes can cheat one into believing that they are identical, it is definitely the case of seduction versus devoted love. I therefore hope that we can distinguish between them: one leading to betrayal and despair; the other leading to the deepest form of earthly happiness granted to human beings on this Earth.
Sadly enough, discernment is not always easy to acquire in such cases and this for various reasons: first of all, wishful thinking. Seducers are often flashy, brilliant; even when their physical appearance is far from attractive (for example, someone like J.P. Sartre who called himself “a toad and who could conquer women in a matter of minutes”), this defect is usually compensated by intellectual or artistic talents, by a strange sort of charisma which to many women is irresistible. Moreover, when the seducer is famous, his chances of success are increased in geometrical proportions.
To be loved by someone who is exceptionally attractive or has the reputation of being a genius is an alluring prospect. How tempting to believe that such a remarkable creature loves one! The wish to be the privileged one chosen among thousands of rival candidates, to be another Beatrice to a Dante, speaks so loudly that the voices of wisdom and reason — both whispering warnings of danger — are totally drowned out.
Moreover, some seducers are so good at the game that unless their machinations are uncovered and they are publicly recognized to be waging wars on innocent, immature silly hearts (like Don Giovanni in Mozart’s opera), they are not always easy to detect. They can even confess to their prey that their previous life was far from exemplary, but “it was only because they had never met such an amazing, extraordinary, pure girl as the one standing in front of them.” Had they met her before, they would never have stepped on what Kierkegaard called so aptly “The Path of Perdition.” But now, through God’s mercy, they are bound to come back on the right path, thanks to the enchanting being who stands in front of them, and who, like an angel, will show them the way back to purity.
Words such as these are uttered with such sincerity that they are hard to resist. There is a Senta living in many women. (The heroine in Wagner’s Opera: The Flying Dutchman, who is ready to sacrifice herself in order to save him from damnation). The amazing thing is that the seducer, like a great actor, sounds absolutely sincere. The tragedy is that there are, in fact, cases in which it is true that meeting a pure young girl can bring a man back to the path leading to virtue and purity. Does one have a right to refuse to give the seducer credit that it will be his case?
Nevertheless, there are things that a young, inexperienced girl can do to protect herself and to test the sincerity of the man courting her.
One of them is to gather as much information as possible about this “lover,” his background, his interests, the judgments of those who know him well; the quality of his friends (if it is true that he is “changing,” does he still visit his old haunts; does he still see his old companions in evil?). The young girl should try to get acquainted with his family, his ex-teachers. Touched as she might be by his attentions, she must convince herself that true love cannot be based on illusions and wishful thinking, but must rest on a clear vision of who the other person truly is, and wants to be.
She should turn for advice to those who love her, and have proved this love through years of faithful devotion. In ideal cases, this will be her parents; but it can be a trusted friend, a priest or clergyman, an ex-teacher, an older sibling. If any of these people who truly care for her give her warning signs, she should be willing to listen to their objections, instead of accusing them of unfairness and prejudice. Self-assurance can, in such cases, be deadly.
Moreover, she should require reverence on the “lover’s” part; any improper familiarity would be an infallible sign that this man’s love is not one of selfless and respectful devotion, but one tainted by lust.
A young girl should beware of impulsivity, and refrain from believing that she has to make a final decision overnight. Many young girls fear that this budding relationship might be the one and only chance of their lives, and that if they do not respond, they might remain wallflowers and jeopardize every chance of finding a husband. They should consider that there is some truth in the somewhat cynical Spanish proverb: “Better well hanged than badly married.”
All important decisions should be examined with great care, and in moments of inner peace. Rash decisions are usually wrong decisions.
Above all, she should pray, pray ardently that God may guide her and show her His will for her.
I cannot promise you that these poor words will guarantee full protection against so great a danger, but I hope they will be helpful.
The same rules apply mutatis mutandis to young men. They too can fall into traps set by girls who would like to “hook” them. This is a phenomenon which is much more widespread today than it was in former times, for the regrettable reason that contemporary girls are much more “aggressive” than women used to be, when reserve was considered a desirable female virtue.
Young men must beware of girls appealing to their pity, playing on their chivalrous feelings, threatening suicide if they are “abandoned.” (By the way, this is a classic trick also used by men, and which usually succeeds; it is their trump card used when they fear that the game is up.)
The conclusion is that it is not always easy to distinguish between a seducer’s “love” and a true love; the wise person alone has a chance of seeing through an imposter’s psychological tricks. An ardent prayer life is an immense protection.
It can also be difficult to gauge accurately the quality of one’s own feelings. I have observed that both boys and girls easily convince themselves that they are deeply in love, while in fact, they are carried by the turbulent waves of passion.
I said earlier that sex and love are fundamentally different, yet they should be connected, because the former should be an expression of the latter.
Once again, when young (or not so young) people are swept off their feet by the wave of passion, they are likely to convince themselves that this passion is authentic love.
They will justify their rash decision to yield to the other person’s desires, by referring to the canticle of canticles: “If a man were to give the whole substance of his house for love, he would despise it as nothing” — how easily can these sublime words be misread when they are looked at through the prism of wishful thinking!
And the profound words of St. Paul, “Love believes all things” have also been used by scoundrels whose prey had become suspicious of their intent and behavior.
