By DEXTER DUGGAN
Joe Robbingnette Biden was sitting uneasy on the bags of coins in his basement. Most people would find the hard metal uncomfortable as a cushion, but Joe had long since accustomed himself to that, just like the hard things digging into his mind every day that he barely noticed anymore. Still, he pondered.
Here are just two new moneybags for him from Ukraine. “With big love to the Big Guy,” the attached note said. Those misers better stop being so stingy and hand over more! And three large boxes of fresh moneybags from pals in Beijing. Well, it’s not as if Joe hasn’t done plenty for them in return. C’mon, man, have you seen the size of their military lately, with missiles ready to aim at parts of the U.S. where Joe doesn’t live? Why do you think he likes basements? Dig in deep down, please.
And more bags from Planned Parenthood. Hey, Joe just about kills himself to satisfy their every desire. It’s not as if Joe doesn’t know something about desire. Just ask Tara Reade.
Too bad Hunter won’t be able to be home for the Winter Solstice. Hmm, it used to have some other name, but Joe’s friends at the ACLU said that religion stuff just made people like themselves angry. Anything to accommodate the ACLU! Yeah, Hunter has to be on the road to shake down some more foreign governments later in December. Bidens never can get enough travel, or money!
If Santa can cover the whole world in one night giving gifts, maybe Hunter can figure out how to cover all that territory so fast receiving them. Don’t worry, Santa has nothing to do with religion. He’s just a superstitious old symbol, like the Democratic Party.
What could be bothering Joe tonight? Everything seems going comfortably. He had greeted his close friends of the news exchanges upon the city streets before dinner, almost falling over his own feet until they grabbed both his arms. “What wonderful balance you have, Joey,” they chorused. “We see nothing at all wrong in you. Not a bit like that monster Trump!
“We’re writing lying stories tomorrow,” they said, “that secret sources assure us Trump can never walk at all, but he confuses the public’s mind with magical beams when they think they see him afoot!”
Then Joe almost stumbled into some street-people busybodies with kettles on tripods, asking for donations for unwanted babies. In the first place, no one had any business asking for his help on this. What’s government for except to hand out stuff to people whom he’d be expected to give to otherwise.
Anyway, the fact these babies got born shows government still isn’t doing enough for reproductivity. More bankrolls for Planned Parenthood right away! And then a helping for researchers on the dole to see how we can further punish these polluters who dirty up everything with more useless babies.
Then there’s Joe’s aide Morgie who has to compile the news stories every day praising him. Joe never can enjoy his first cup of coffee without a half-pound of clips from Morgie to lap up.
Morgie probably expects to take Winter Solstice Day off so he can spend more time with his hereditarily crippled kid, Tony. The abortionists missed that one. Is it Joe’s fault that Joe’s eugenics enforcers still let some of these mistakes slip through?
Yeah, yeah, let Morgie have a few hours off if we gotta, but then he’ll have to work twice as hard to get those clippings and videos catalogued that piled up.
Once Joe gets more of those uninvited guests parading across the U.S. border — as if borders ever mattered, anyway, except the ones around everything Joe owns — be sure to give Morgie’s job to one of them; we can hire that guy cheaper. Sure, Morgie will be out of a job, but what’s government for if not to help the hopeless?
Down in his basement, Joe dozes off on the moneybags. He dreams of Solstice Time Past, when he was a little boy in Scranton. Being little in Scranton always is good for another campaign speech, but at least when you’re very little, you haven’t developed into the conniving, greedy bad Catholic that Joe decided he had to become.
More moneybags for him. More abortion for everyone else. Lies about everything necessary to keep the whole sham going. It used to be so simple as a little guy. But who wants to be some stupid kid anymore when there’s all that money out there to grab?
Joe shifts a little bit on the moneybags then falls asleep again. Now he dreams of a pro-life pregnancy center this year celebrating Chri — Christ — Christm — the Winter Solstice holiday with gifts for its clients. Joe will have to remember to have Morgie get its address so he can carry off the gifts for himself instead. Useless babies.
Joe stirs then begins to dream of the future. Something seems very wrong. No one seems to care about him at all. Maybe most of them never did anyway, but at least he had his moneybags. But Joe sees a coffin in this dream, and no room for moneybags in there.
These dreams seem like that book Joe read by the Charles Dickens guy about the old London miser who was on the road to perdition, but was shaken up into a life of goodwill and repentance by this third, frightening dream of what lay ahead for him otherwise.
Wait, there’s a shadowy figure over there in the corner of this dream. Who can that be? Surely not? Why, yes, it is. It’s Washington, D.C.’s, new Wilton Cardinal Gregory, grinning and telling bad Catholic Joe he has no sins to worry about. He’ll even help Joe commit sacrilege by giving Joe the Holy Eucharist while Joe makes massive abortion his top priority.
It’s just a matter of differences of opinion, Gregory says. Are you gonna be some guy who opposes sacrilege and worries poor, declining 78-year-old Joe about his future, and even makes media mad at the cardinal? Don’t worry, let’s all get along and be happy. There’s always tomorrow. Until there’s not.
No Wonder
The Wanderer asked northern California Catholic commentator Barbara Simpson for a comment on Biden’s and Gregory’s delinquency. She replied:
“The ‘new’ cardinal is living up to what has happened to the Church — it’s the ‘new’ Catholic Church which has broken down all the guidelines of our beliefs through the ages. He — and we — have lost track of right and wrong and will do what makes us ‘feel good.’
“It’s no wonder so many Catholics have fallen away, and so many parents are unable to teach their children the tenets of our religion,” Simpson said. “With clerics like Gregory, the state of affairs of the Catholic Church will only get worse. Heaven help us.”
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