By DONALD DeMARCO
Love is the will to promote the good in another. Because love operates on the plane of reality, it needs the truth of the other in order to do its work effectively. Love is not blind; its guiding light is the truth about the one who is loved. “Love is not blind,” as G.K. Chesterton reminds us, “that is the last thing that it is. Love is bound; and the more it is bound the less it is blind.”
Love binds one person to another in a way that is intended to benefit the other. Love has little meaning as an abstraction floating in isolation. Therefore, love is ineffective as long as it is unaccompanied by truth. This is the “problem” with love, for the truth often hurts and many people would prefer to avoid being loved in order to avoid being hurt. Love is far more problematic than most people realize. It often casts its beams in the direction of someone who stubbornly refuses to accept its healing potential. Love needs truth in order to be practical, in order to set its sights on what is needed. But changing people’s ways, even with the blessing of love, is not a simple matter. Consider Christ’s love that was often rejected by His own apostles.
Two men may enjoy each other’s companionship. They fish and hunt together, discuss sports and politics, and belong to the same club. They share a friendship of which they are justifiably proud. But their friendship, even though it may be longstanding, is free of interpersonal criticism. They are happy to leave each other as they are. They have no desire whatsoever to change each other’s moral habits.
The personal dynamic between a husband and a wife, however, is entirely different. The wife’s love is never separated from her need to reform her husband, however slight his peccadillos may be. He may regard his spouse’s promptings as meddlesome and shrewish, but she never deviates from her divinely appointed role. Men may understandably seek refuge in a club where moral criticism is systematically avoided. There, they may complain about their wives, although, deep down, they know that their complaints are so much venting accompanied by so little justification.
Abraham Lincoln rose above the gender dynamics when he stated: “He has a right to criticize who has a heart to help.” For America’s sixteenth president, what the heart has to say is more important than someone’s fear of being criticized. Being healed is more important than remaining broken. Since we possess a God-given heart, we should not allow it to atrophy. We should allow it to speak. At the same time, criticism must be accompanied by the willingness to help. In his own way, Lincoln was implying that love is a corrective and must be guided by the light of truth.
It has become more and more difficult in our increasingly secular society to deliver the Christian message of love. In Spain, Antonio Cardinal Canizares has come under severe fire because of his expressed concern for the family. In a recent sermon, he stated: “We have legislation contrary to the family, the acts of political and social forces, to which are added movements and acts by the gay empire, by ideologies such as radical feminism, or the most insidious of all, gender ideology.”
He has been charged by various homosexual organizations with “inciting hatred.” If convicted, he could be sentenced to four years in prison. It would seem that as a cardinal, and entrusted to the care of his flock, he should be warning families about serious dangers that threaten their welfare. At the same time, a homosexual group, known as Endavant, was responsible for a blasphemous portrayal of the Virgin Mary. It seems that “inciting hatred” is a one-way street.
To persist in loving another, despite encountering a wall of resistance, requires courage. The other, wanting not to be hurt more than welcoming the healing powers of love, may retaliate with violence. Martyrdom is the ultimate result of holding fast to love in a situation where violent rejection is a real possibility.
An oncologist is not charged with a “hate crime” when he delivers unhappy news to his cancerous patient. The doctor did not cause the cancer, though his sad news can be devastating to his client. He cannot be charged with a hate crime for simply doing what he is supposed to be doing as a qualified and responsible member of the medical community. Life is not always pleasant, but it is counterproductive to shoot the messenger.
It is a secular heresy that “all we need is love.” Love must be enlightened by truth, delivered with kindness, and strengthened by courage. Love is, as the old song states, “many-splendored.” But its multiplicity of colorations is nothing more than a collectivity of moral virtues. He loves most effectively who is in possession of an appropriate array of virtues. Love is a “problem” because it is demanding, both of the lover and of those who are loved. But when it is abandoned, for fear of provoking criticism, the world remains broken and hope for restoration begins to fade.
One may also say, that in the absence of love, friendship disappears, for, as St. Thomas Aquinas has remarked, “The greatest kindness one can render to any man consists in leading him to truth.”
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