By DONALD DeMARCO and JOCELYN POLLARD
In the aftermath of the recent Obergefell v. Hodges Supreme Court decision legalizing “same-sex marriage,” many Catholic parents will be trying to find appropriate and effective ways of explaining to their children what marriage is and how same-sex couples do not qualify for that noble and time-honored institution.
My daughter prepared an explanation in the form of a letter to her four daughters. I, as the grandfather, added my own letter. We hope that what we have written will provide a helpful guide for parents who, in the light of a society that is becoming increasing anti-Catholic, are trying to teach the true nature of marriage to their own children — Donald DeMarco.
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To My Dear Daughters:
Marriage is a profoundly special gift from God. Jesus pointed out that a man and a woman leave their parents and live together and become two-in-one-flesh. This bonding is so strong that no one can break it. They cannot divorce. They will be married until one of them dies. Jesus says that if one spouse leaves the other and enters into a sexual relationship with another, he or she is committing adultery; that is, by leaving his spouse, the person is offending the union of his marriage and is not now in a second marriage.
The sexual union of the married couple is so profound that God has made this act to be an act of creation and a sacrament. The married couple is permitted to cooperate with God in creating a new life. In this way the family is an image of God who is a Trinity of Persons, who, through the love of husband and wife love, bring forth a new creation. This is why sexual relations are permitted only within marriage: because the sexual act bonds the man and woman together into one, and because it produces children.
The best setting for this act, therefore, is marriage. The man and the woman will be emotionally and psychologically protected in the permanent relationship only found in marriage. Children born to the couple are best protected when their parents are married and stay together.
“Matrimony,” another word for marriage, comes from the Latin word “mater,” which means “mother.” Through matrimony, the woman will become a mother. One might say, “What if the couple can’t have children because of a physical problem? Are they still married?” Yes. It is a great sadness when a married couple cannot conceive and carry a child. But in their marriage they can still act as a mother and a father to children in their extended family or in society who need motherly and fatherly love. They can adopt orphans and become their parents. They can be spiritual parents, and as a couple, pray for children who need them.
The roles of mother and father are mysterious but necessary for the development of the child. A child requires the unique influence of both the mother’s femininity and the father’s masculinity in his development as a whole person. Marriage is a complementary union; that is, one in which a man and a woman are like interlocking parts, who, through their sexual bonding, may create a child. A so-called “same-sex marriage” lacks this complementary union.
A homosexual couple cannot physically perform the sexual act that leads to the creation of children. They have only one gender — either male or female — so if they adopt and raise a child, that child is lacking the influence of the male or female parent. The homosexual couple may love each other and want to live together, but that is not enough to make a marriage.
To put things in a nutshell, marriage is the complementary union of one man and one woman who share an unbreakable bond until death. It is perfected by love and enriched by God’s loving grace. Finally, the married couple is open to the blessing that God confers upon them in the form of new life.
From Your Loving Mother
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To My Dear Daughter and Her Four Daughters:
I think you have made a very good start and I highly commend you for initiating this important discussion. The essential question, as you make clear, is “what is marriage?” A same-sex couple cannot fulfill the requirements of marriage. We are not eligible for something, no matter how much we may want it, if we do not qualify for it. One must qualify if one wants to make the Olympic skating team. Desiring to be on the team is not enough.
This is pretty much the way life is. One must be qualified to be a doctor, a lawyer, a plumber, a cook, and even a wife or husband. The qualifications for marriage go far beyond love, which a mother and father have for their children, and include a complementary relationship between two mature people who promise to be faithful to each other, and be open to the possibility of children.
Chief Justice John Roberts stated correctly in the recent Supreme Court decision that marriage “arose in the nature of things to meet a vital need: ensuring that children are conceived by a mother and father committed to raising them in the stable conditions of a lifelong relationship.” A same-sex couple simply does not meet the requirements of a real marriage. It is important to remember that marriage is something “natural” and not simply a human invention. Marriage is also profoundly religious, as beautifully expressed in the Bible and in the Catholic Catechism. Marriage was instituted by God and consistent with the nature He created.
I’m sure there will be lots of questions. Another point is that when we try to do something legally for which we are not qualified, we can create mayhem. An unqualified doctor can do a lot of damage to his patients. So, too, same-sex sexual relationships can and often do bring great harm to the partners. The AIDS phenomenon attests to this point.
You may tell your beautiful daughters for me that their mommy is telling them something that is very important, and far wiser than what they may be getting from their school or their friends.
From Your Loving Grandpa
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