By DEXTER DUGGAN
“I’ve never seen the roads so crowded, Joseph. I can’t believe that the census could account for so many travelers.”
“I agree, Mary. Strange things are going on. Did you notice those Roman soldiers with feather dusters instead of swords in their scabbards?”
“I couldn’t believe it, Joseph. We know the Romans are our oppressors, but how could Caesar hope to repel a bloodthirsty enemy if there’s no more than that to protect us?”
“There’s an inn, Mary. I’ll engage the proprietor in conversation. Please wait here with the donkey while I go inside.”
“I’ll be glad for a pause, Joseph.”
(Joseph enters the inn.)
“Hello, traveler! You look more than a little dusty. I’d invite you right in to clean up, except my inn is packed to the rafters.”
“My name is Joseph, and my pregnant wife, Mary, is outside. I’m sorry to hear that, because she really needs a place to rest.”
“I’m Eli, Joseph. We’ll certainly have to find some sort of place to accommodate her, being pregnant and all. I just regret I can’t do more for you. Absolutely everyone is on the road these days, as you no doubt saw.”
“Definitely so. Any idea why?”
“Certainly, Joseph. Our local ruler for the last eight years, King Obamus, turned out to be an uncredentialed pretender, so Rome is sending a new ruler quickly to replace him.”
“But what does that have to do with so many travelers, Eli?”
“Our pretend ruler had so many nutty ideas, we barely survived under him, Joseph. He thought, for instance, that people walking around kicked up too much dust and obscured the face of the sun, causing what he called ‘climate change.’ So he forbade most walking, even though the sun didn’t look any dimmer to us. But he said his sorcerers understood the problem better than we ignoramuses.”
“You mean, Eli, that more people are walking now because the pretender is losing his power, and they’re out to celebrate their mobility again?”
“Exactly, Joseph! Been ruinous to economic activity. People couldn’t get around, couldn’t move their goods around. Plowing the fields for crops was next to impossible when his EFA — the Environmental Foolery Agency — said farmers were upsetting nature’s balance and confiscated the oxen.”
“I don’t know how your economy survived at all, Eli!”
“Joseph, I can promise you, if you happen to be back in town a year from now, I’ll have 100 new rooms added to my inn as the economy soars. Plenty of space for all!”
“Your economy may start improving, but I’ve got to wonder how safe your new wealth will be from thieves if the soldiers only are carrying around feather dusters for weapons.”
“Oh, of course you noticed that absurdity, Joseph. Our pretend ruler couldn’t get us out of any wars he inherited. He’s a pacifist and opposed force. That’s why he replaced swords with peaceful feather dusters. Maybe that’s why the military couldn’t win any wars around here anymore.”
“Wait, Eli. What’s that pitiable wailing sound I suddenly hear? The wind shifted and is blowing here from your downtown now.”
“The scribes at the Bethlehem Post who write the scrolls of the daily news are at it again, Joseph, out of their minds with grief that the pretend ruler is losing his position. Hardly anyone else could stand him, but the scribes were head over heels in love with him. The worse he was, the greater their adoration. The nuttier he acted, the more they were impressed. No one else could understand it.”
“Really!”
“I’ll give you another example, Joseph. The pretender said he would give us all the best poultices and potions available as his new government health plan, and it would only cost us one day’s wages every six months. Before you knew it, the charge was one month’s wages every six months, and you had a deductible of having to get sick eight times before you qualified for even one poultice!”
“Unbelievable, Eli! Surely the scribes turned against him then?”
“Not at all. They loved him all the more. Of course, it helped that he gave them a special medical plan under the table that no one else got.”
“Tell me more.”
“I know you won’t be able to believe this, Joseph, but the pretender actually took the temple tax we Hebrews pay and diverted it to buy pagan altars for heathens outside our gates to sacrifice their babies on!”
“A ghastly outrage that shows the pretender surely was overdue to be toppled, Eli!”
“And, Joseph, I haven’t even mentioned the transgender latrines that he insisted we all had to be subjected to—”
“The what!?”
“Well, Joseph, let’s just put it this way. Even curses have some blessings. When the pretender told his soldiers absolutely to force us into the transgender latrines, we just said that feather dusters ain’t gonna get that job done!”
“This is incredible!”
“Joseph, I see you barely can stand to hear any more. Paying to slaughter babies was fine with the pretender, but if you ever dared accidentally step on some bug or flea that he declared was environmentally precious, your life was as good as over.”
“Eli, why didn’t your whole population flee him?”
“That would have raised way too much dust, Joseph. Huge fines for everyone.”
“I know you hardly can wait for his replacement to arrive, Eli.”
“Well, we’re all waiting for the Messiah, but we’re hoping new King Trumpamus will be able to tide us over. Say, your wife being expectant and all, let’s get her into an improvised room. The least I can do.”
“Yes, Eli, thank you. As you say, we’re all expecting the Messiah. Especially my wife.”
“Eh?”
“Let me put it this way, Eli. You may want to be out in the fields with the shepherds tonight for some good news.”
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