A Leaven In The World… The Most Awkward Conversations Are The Most Important

By FR. KEVIN M. CUSICK

There’s nothing more intense than being invited to share in the most intimate details of the life of another soul or family. Of course it is not done gratuitously. When a person is distressed or grieving and reaches out for help, it is often the priest to whom they turn for healing.
Most commonly people seek pastoral assistance during the process of grieving. As well as discussing the details of a funeral, they need to hear the compassionate expressions of condolence from others. The priest stands in solidarity with those who are hurting in the dawning realization of what it means that they will no longer see a loved one in this life.
I was called in as duty chaplain one evening on an especially difficult and tragic case during my active duty days in the Navy. The parents had left their three daughters at home while they spent the day together on their boat. While they were out, the eldest daughter used her father’s gun to end her life.
The mother and father, not yet knowing the horrible news, returned after dark and we found a house in the neighborhood where we could inform them of the death and offer pastoral assistance because their home was closed as an investigation site.
Upon hearing the tragic news, the mother immediately began paging rapidly through a Bible to find a passage that would reassure her that her daughter would be saved and not damned after ending her life. The family had embraced a fundamentalist approach that was the basis for the husband’s refusal to even pray an Our Father with me.
The host, a Catholic, was able to help a fellow mother with a gentle reminder that we commend all who have died to the mercy of God. The family needed much healing also from other circumstances that led up the daughter’s death, given that she cried out “I hate my father” before ending her life.
Families suffer for many reasons. Helping family members who are injuring others — whether by commission or omission — to change their behavior through conversion is one important way we can assist our families. There are many instances where the priest is the only one in a position to spark this process.
Typically a priest has a front seat on the intimate details of the spiritual lives of his people, most often inside the confessional. Being present while a soul confronts his or her sinfulness in the detail made necessary by the requirement to state mortal sins by species and number is certainly intense and can be somewhat awkward. Over time, the priest learns to listen to details only to assist in helping the penitent to make an effective use of the sacrament and benefit from the grace of absolution in a fruitful way.
Some turn to the Church at the end of life almost as an afterthought. Deathbed conversions are certainly possible. Sincerity takes practice, however, which is why Sunday Mass is a tremendous gift. Each week we worship the One who returned from death to restore our life. His mercy even in the Holy Eucharist is the gift already of that unending life. Even if we are already in a state of grace we may have venial sins that need forgiveness.
Those individuals who think the Church is irrelevant may exhibit shock when they encounter priests or others who flout this stereotype. The first area where some have relegated the Church and the Lord’s voice teaching through her to irrelevance is in matters relative to the beginning of life.
When a young man turned red during a conversation about the holiness of the marital act within marriage preparation, he made it obvious that he was uncomfortable with admitting the place of the Church and the Lord in this area.
Sometimes discomfort with a discussion of “the birds and the bees” in the Church means someone is struggling with the idea that the physical expression of love between husband and wife is made by God and is holy and should never be a source of shame.
When this same young man exhibited embarrassment during my homily at the wedding Mass itself, then it was confirmed for me that he was under the illusion that any discussion of matters relating to the marital act was totally inappropriate on the lips of a priest. A subsequent Thanksgiving card from the couple made clear that they felt some misunderstanding or discomfort needed to be thus patched up between us.
A Christmas card might mislead someone to think they’re being invited to engage in further contact akin to a friendship of sorts. A Thanksgiving card leaves one safely insulated from the ramifications of such a misunderstanding while assuaging any bad feelings possibly resulting from an awkward encounter.
It’s not the first Thanksgiving card I’ve received, but I will say such happenings have been quite rare.
Such persons will never bring up relevant matters on their own during marriage prep and the priest must direct deeper discussion and require the couple go to a good natural family planning class for training. Reclaiming the whole of marriage for faith is a fight for life and the family involving all of us.
We need to reach souls before the beginning of life — rather than waiting for the conversations that result from the occurrence of death. Young people approaching the Church to be Baptism or Confirmation sponsors, or for marriage prep, present us with the possibility of remedial catechesis on life and marriage.
The fact that God made man and woman and, in making them, also created the potential for the marital act and the capacity for bringing new life into the world, means it is a constitutive part of marriage and thus of any discussion concerning marriage. Any discussion of marriage that avoids the marital act is neglectful and superficial.
Given the overwhelmingly contraceptive mentality prevalent among young people, priests and others involved in marriage prep must proactively combat the tendency. Habits of thought and patterns of living that relegate potential offspring to a delayed afterthought, if at all, in the marriage arrangement portend contraceptive use.
Linking children with the marital act is the primary task for all who work in the pastoral effort at marriage preparation. The work of conversion away from selfishness and to authentic marriage open to new life can begin with the witness of heroic married couples. They should be invited into the marriage prep process. Encounter and friendship with married couples who are generous with new life can encourage young people intimidated by the unknown in God’s plan.
Awkward conversations can be the most important. Awkward moments can lead to prolonged wrestling with the issues of life for the sake of faith and salvation. The mission of the Church to save souls should find openings for these conversations before the end of life when so many wait to approach the Church.
Thank you for reading and praised be Jesus Christ, now and forever.
@MCITLFrAphorism