An Enlightening Fable . . . Ten Reasons Why Christianity Won’t Get Off the Ground
By DONALD DeMARCO
(Editor’s Note: The following satire, written by “Marcus Tullius Erronius,” purports to show why Christianity is unrealistic. In a coming issue, an essay by Dr. DeMarco will explain why Christianity is realistic, after all.)
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To my esteemed Senator Maximus Perturbius:
I have completed my research and evaluation of this boorish band of vagabonds called Christians. I am happy to report that Rome has nothing to fear from this motley religious sect. The following ten reasons make it only too evident that Christianity will never get off the ground, let alone flourish. I could have provided more than ten reasons, but you know what affection we Romans have for the number ten. Suffice to say that ten is enough.
First, their leader has sent 12 emissaries that he calls “apostles” to the four corners of the world in an effort to spread the teachings contained in the “Gospel.” This, of course is laughable. As you know, a Legion of Roman soldiers consists of 3,000 to 6,000 foot soldiers and 300 to 700 cavalrymen. Do you think a dozen untrained and uneducated ruffians can outdo what we have done to expand and secure the Roman Empire?
Second, their main symbol is their leader crucified on a cross. This is obviously self-defeating since it represents a clear example of failure. Furthermore, who wants to rally around so negative a symbol? If Christians want to make their religion appealing to others, they must choose a symbol that is positive and attractive. As it is, their morbid preoccupation with death will not attract any person of normal temperament.
Third, their leader advises his followers, when struck, to “turn the other cheek.” This kind of weak passivity ensures Christianity’s failure. It is a submissive attitude that will actually prevent Christians from spreading their faith. In fact, it will invite others to exploit them with impunity. Thus we expect this religion to die out very quickly.
Fourth, closely allied to the previous reason is Christianity’s mandate to love one’s enemies. We, of course, conquer our enemies, which is both positive and realistic. The notion on the part of Christians to love in this manner simply invites their enemies to overtake them. Again, Christianity is essentially unrealistic.
Fifth, Christians are told to go into the world and be a “sign of contradiction.” Therefore, Christians will always be at odds with everyone else. In this sense, Christians really do not belong in the world and as a result will never get anywhere. How can they expect to convert anyone with this adversarial attitude? Since they place such a great deal of importance on “another world,” how can they possibly succeed in this one?
Sixth, their leader claims that in building his church on a rock named Peter (Petrus) that his church will be a rock. This is really funny. As any educated Roman knows, a verbal pun does not have the power to ensure an ecclesiastical success. Moreover, this alleged “rock” actually denied his Master three times within in a short period of time.
Seventh, their leader claims to be Truth itself. This is more than arrogant. What is truth? There are so many different ways in which people perceive it. This position also indicates that Christians are unable to figure things out for themselves. How can a movement succeed when all of its members remain in such a state of passive dependence?
Eighth, their leader insists that marriage is indissoluble. We know, as experienced and realistic Romans, that love wanes and that married couples sometimes need to separate for their own good. It is cruel to require people who no longer want to be married to each other to remain tied together in a knot of unhappiness.
Ninth, their leader goes even further when he requires his followers not to commit adultery “in their hearts.” This dictatorial concern for thought control will never be accepted. Furthermore, like many of their leader’s other requirements, it is both unrealistic and impractical.
Tenth, finally, their leader states that there is no greater love than to give up one’s life for a friend. This is another instance of Christianity’s morbid preoccupation with death. People should love themselves and remain alive so that they can fulfill their proper destinies. It also indicates a blatant disregard for life in this world.
Prediction: Christianity will disappear from the face of the earth within 15 years.
Respectfully submitted,
Marcus Tullius Erronius
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Postscript: Christianity has succeeded in an extraordinary way. The Roman Empire, despite its worldly power, declined and fell to the hands of barbarians. Christianity is the only institution in the world that has survived over the last two thousand years.
Why then, do so many Christians these days maintain the same mindset as expressed by the fictional Marcus Erronius?
A rather strikingly sane and realistic Christian by the name of G.K. Chesterton has said of the Catholic Church: “We do not want a Church that will move with the world. We want a Church that will move the world.”
The seemingly unrealistic and impractical nature of Christianity is a powerful indication that it is under the protection of God. It is an equally powerful indication that without God, we are at the mercy of our own foolishness. It is also testimony to the supreme value of love: the power of love, rather than the love of power.
