“Fr. Funk” Gets His Just Deserts . . . Dr. Jill Plans The Day For Joe Over Breakfast Ice Cream

By DEXTER DUGGAN

Pundit Bill O’Reilly reported on his January 2 national radio update that Jill Biden keeps careful control over Joe at the White House, briefing him at breakfast about his lightly scheduled days, then checking in on him later to see if she needs to shut down his schedule. Might we speculate about how this works?

• + + “Glad you could join me for breakfast here at the White House, ma’am. May I sniff your hair one more time? And please tell my wife, Dr. Jill, that she’s welcome to join us. Oh, YOU’RE Dr. Jill?
  “Well, Dr. Jill, we really should send a thank-you note to Barack, if you’re able to write one for me, to thank him for allowing us to have dinner, uh, breakfast here in Wilmington, I mean, here at the White House, of course.
  “Whaddaya mean, I can eat here whenever I please? You’re saying I’M the president?
  “Barack didn’t like me very much at all, ya remember, saying I would always screw things up, although he used a different word for that. Well, I’ve got a big, forgiving heart. I hope it wasn’t too painful for, um, Barack when he passed away and I got his job. Like that Congresslady Jackie Walorski, they both just passed away behind my back.
  “He made me vice president cuz he figured all the Catholics would know I’m as good for them as the pope, so vote for me and they could have the first American pope! One who likes ice cream with saying his rosary at the same time!
  “I don’t think that’s being disrespectful. Just shows I can worship two things at once. Plus sniffing hair, that’s number three, as long as it doesn’t get tangled up in the beads!
  “You know, my Republican um semi-fascist enemies say I spend too much of the taxpayers’ money, so I think I’ll save some money by leasing out the White House to lobbyists. They’re here most of the time anyway, and I’m usually gone somewhere else for a weekend or vacation.
  “Whaddaya mean, Barack didn’t pass away? He served his two terms and then I got his job? Oh? Oh, I DIDN’T get his job when he left? Then why am I in here?
  “Oh, you say our friend Hillary ran against that evil, non-Catholic Trump? You know, I tried to teach Barack to say the rosary in between his visits with the Planned Parenthood lobbyists, but he said he was interested only in praying to himself.
  “But you say Trump stole Hillary’s job from her? It’s hard to keep up with all these news events, Dr. Jill.
  “So it was my powerful friends who fooled everyone about Trump a lot in order to help me, and then they manufactured 25 million extra votes for me and gave me the White House job that I absolutely deserved but that the wretched American people kept denying to me!
  “Yeah, I remember I was running for the presidency since the 1920s, but the wretched American people kept voting against me — Oh, you say I started running for it in the 1980s? But then I couldn’t have been that hero of a wartime president, which I definitely was in the 1940s when I conquered that Hitler guy by arm-wrestling him out behind the barn in Bavaria.
  “Whaddaya mean, I was too young to wrestle Hitler in the 1940s? Dr. Jill, have you, you know, thought of taking a psychological test, to make sure your mind’s working okay?
  “Yeah, fighting dictators, that’s me! I need to get more involved in telling Kerensky, uh, Zelensky how to run his war against that, uh, guy in Russia, Zutin or whatever it is. Zutin trembles whenever he hears my name, the CIA tells me!
  “Trembles out of fear! Not laughter!
  “Where’s my coffee? Oh, I just now drank it? Nothing like coffee and ice cream! Plus saying the rosary even though Barack thought rosaries are better seen with me when the cameras are around than actually believing in them, like they have some kind of magical powers to control the weather, or whatever.
  “Well, anyway, speaking of saying rosaries, I saw in the news in The Washington Post and The New York Times — great newspapers, they hate that non-Catholic Trump guy and they almost always write my lies up like I want — I saw in the news that that Fr. Funk priest guy got what he deserved from the Vatican.
  “What a creep Funk was, always attacking us Democrats just cuz we want to get rid of 100 million useless, unwanted babies every year even though removing the weight of their existence makes dear Mother Earth so happy! Mother Earth’s so much better than dumpy human mothers — present company excepted, Dr. Jill.
  “So Funk — you say Frank? Frank the priest? — oh, Pavone? Some kind of an Italian? Anyway, as everyone knows, I have a very great relationship with the Vatican, just like dear Catholic Nancy, me and her have both been blessed by God with so much money once we showed God that He owed it to us.
  “Hunter stuck out his bag and God filled it up, and Ukraine is so corrupt anyway that Zelensky could have gotten me some dough even if God was too busy to hear my rosary someday.
  “Now don’t try to mention inflation when I talk about money. Inflation only hurts those who deserve to be hurt. And it drives up the cost of living so much that people get a big boost in their Social Security adjustment, and then I can brag about giving more money to the old folks.
  “They may be paying $20 for an ordinary six-inch submarine sandwich, but that’s their problem. If they were smart like me, they’d be dining free on the taxpayers’ backs here in Wilmington, I mean at the White House!
  “My economists told me that the inflation is Trump’s fault anyway. If Trump had had inflation up at five or six percent like he should have, then if I put two or three percent on top of that, I’d barely have increased inflation at all. It’s not my fault if Trump held it down at one or two percent and then tries to blame me for making it eight or nine percent.
  “Let’s see, gas prices, food prices, energy all way up. That’s stimulating the economy! And mandatory vaccines or else getting fired — whoever said I don’t care about the medical industry?
  “So anyway, Nancy and I, as you know, go to the Vatican whenever we have nothing better to do, and the Vatican always puts on a great show for us and never says anything bad. But when it comes to kicking someone out of a job who richly deserves it, I’m so happy that that meddler Funk got what was coming to him.
  “Imagine saying Democrats do anything wrong! Like the Pope said, that non-Catholic Republican Trump is not a good Christian cuz of immigration!
  “It’s just wonderful when the entirely open borders I created lure in so many miserable people we can put on the dole as long as they vote Democrat instead of staying home and improving their own countries.
  “I know, I know, a lot of drug traffickers and sex bosses and terrorists come in with them, but that’s the price you pay in order to protect democracy! Like that wonderful Katie Hobbs got elected governor in Arizona with the help of the liberal, open-borders Republicans and voter suppression.
  “She said she’s tearing down that wall in Yuma as soon as possible. Ugly monstrosity of a wall, unlike MY walls and police agents all around me! I need the security, for sure, cuz of what I’ve done to so many people, but they’re useless Republicans like Funk!
  “We need more fentanyl coming here! It only kills Republican voters. We Democrats, we know how to take drugs correctly, going back to our college days, so fentanyl isn’t killing any of us.
  “Katie Hobbs’ friend John McCain has been such a great example at letting all the illegal alien guests come in and blocking the wall. Dr. Jill, please send McCain a thank-you note for helping get Katie Hobbs elected, too.
  “I’m so happy we can bring in all these guests from so many places. Maybe back where they come from they can’t have so many abortions or be whatever gender they please, and with the taxpayers’ money! I always feel so sorry for those little illegal alien boys who can’t be girls. Except when they come here, then they can, and then I can sniff their hair!
  “America will be such a great place when we get it turned into Beijing, and then if there are any more of those Fr. Funks, our Beijing government knows what to do with those so-called Catholics, like Jimmy Lai in Hong Kong!
  “Say, did you ever notice that Donald Trunk’s last name almost rhymes with Funk? Tell Merrick Garland to have the FBI check that out. Probably something rotten there. America, I’m just saving you from yourself! Me, my ice cream, and my rosary! Who said mixing Church and State is wrong? Take note, um, New York Times!”