Sex On The Brain
By DONALD DeMARCO
The late Malcolm Muggeridge, who, in his later years, had some sensible things to say about human sexuality, lamented that people “have sex on the brain, and that’s an unhealthy place for it to be.” What he meant by this remark was based on his observation that sex, which is a natural inclination toward another, is commonly short-circuited by being lodged in the brain, or, if you will, stymied at the starting gate.
The prime example of this phenomenon is the young man who prefers the company of images of voluptuous women rather than taking the pains to cultivate a truly personal relationship with a real woman.
The former, “a harem of imaginary brides,” to borrow a phrase from C.S. Lewis, is accessible, undemanding, and unchallenging. It does not require him to become sufficiently mature so that that any intelligent woman would be interested in him. It is a sad case of arrested development. His imaginary brides remain subservient to him, but they are of absolutely no help to him.
Since we are all imperfect, we are all subject to criticism. Intelligent, observant people notice flaws and often have something to say about them. While people, for the most part, love to be praised, even, at times, to the point of being flattered, they tend to resist criticism.
Creatures of the imagination, however, do not have the power either to observe or to criticize. This is why they can be regarded as desirable. The imaginary bride lives under the rule of pleasure. She is perfectly mindless.
But we need criticism for growth. Our real friends, male or female, will, when the circumstance are auspicious, help us to overcome our faults and develop as responsible human beings. They help us, as the saying goes, to “get our act together.” The road to maturity is not traveled alone, but in the company of mutual friends. Mere flatterers are not true friends.
The inimitable G.K. Chesterton put the matter in a realistic framework when he explained that “sex is an instinct that produces an institution.” That institution, of course, is marriage and the family, and even on to who knows how many succeeding generations. But if sex remains merely on the level of an instinct, it remains sterile and unproductive.
“The house is very much larger than the gate,” the author of Orthodoxy goes on to say, and “there are indeed a certain number of people who like to hang about at the gate and never get any further.”
Hanging around the gate and never entering the house is the sad epitaph belonging to those for whom sex remains “on the brain.” It is like holding on to the ticket but not entering the stadium to witness the game, or reading the menu but never ordering a meal.
The harem of imaginary brides leads to nowhere, an empty place where no one resides to offer anyone companionship. It is a seduction that grounds the self at the zero point. It offers no antidote for loneliness, no compensation for unproductiveness, and no solace for personal failure.
The most fundamental duty we all have as human beings is to develop our personalities. Friendship is at its best when two developed personalities can bring out the best of each other. Love, put simply, is the will to promote and protect the good of the other. Being self-absorbed does not provide any good for anyone. The person who cannot get out of his imagination is of little good either to himself or to others.
The mythical figure, Narcissus, was self-absorbed and died of malnutrition while worshiping his self-image. One draws no nourishment by worshiping one’s self.
Echo, who was interested in Narcissus and not her own extended image, wept for him. Her tears proved that she was real. They proved that she lived on a far more expansive horizon than did the man for whom she shed those tears. She was the realistic, though tragic, woman who was spurned by a man who preferred the company of his illusions.
The myth retains its relevance in our day. We may also understand malnutrition as an extreme undernourishment of love. The harem of imaginary brides, voluptuous as they may appear to be, are neither lovable nor loving. In addition, the word “Narcissus” is etymologically elated to “narke” (in Greek) from which is derived “narcotic,” referring to numbness. Narcissus was numb to himself.
Love is realistic and expansive. It protects sex from remaining a mere instinct. It awakens the person to a richer reality than his mere imagination could possibly concoct. Because it is a tendency toward the real, it endows sex with a realistic direction.
One woman, because she is real, surpasses any number of imaginary substitutes. She may be demanding, and critical, but her divine assignment is to help lead the young boy into becoming a responsible man.
We would be remiss, however, if we denied that women do not experience, in some way, the same temptations toward isolation that the man experiences.
Friendship, especially marital friendship between two mature persons, can overcome many imperfections. If spouses are critical of each other it is only because they are called to improve each other.
To quote C.S. Lewis once more, “This carnival of sexuality leads us out beyond our sexes.” For, “in the image of God, He created them.”
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(Dr. Donald DeMarco is a senior fellow of Human Life International. He is professor emeritus at St. Jerome’s University in Waterloo, Ontario, an adjunct professor at Holy Apostles College in Cromwell, Conn., and a regular columnist for St. Austin Review. His latest works, How to Remain Sane in a World That Is Going Mad; Poetry That Enters the Mind and Warms the Heart; and How to Flourish in a Fallen World are available through Amazon.com.
(Some of his recent writings may be found at Human Life International’s Truth and Charity Forum. He is the 2015 Catholic Civil Rights League recipient of the prestigious Exner Award.)